morning from hell?

and a chat about it with a very trusted girlfriend (VTG):



me: do you have a second for some moaning?

VTG: Sure…

VTG: all yours

VTG: what's up, dear?

me: okay. I was caught in a real life nightmare this morning
very surreal experience

VTG: ::hug::

me: I could not find my psychiatrists office
The name the other doc had given me on the phone was wrong or I heard it wrong
then the guy I made the appointment with was quick with the directions
then 3yo was up for two hours last night
(that actually made EVERYTHING worse).

VTG: This must be more common than it sounds - I had the same thing happen to me a couple of years back.
oh yeah. Lack of sleep totally gets you.
so the directions you finally got - they were good?

me: Yup

VTG: they got you there?

me: well what happened before that
it was in a complex
big marble and glass buildings
ugly and impersonal



VTG: and few navigational clues?

me: NO signs on the outside of them

VTG: corrected: no navigational clues.
that's so frightening, isn't it?

me: 8:50 in the morning and it's 88 degrees

VTG: you end up feeling like you're totally lost.

me: not only are the buildings similar
yes lost
and dehumanized
VTG: yup.

me: the CARS in the parking lot
silver and white sedans
DOZENS of them
I felt like I was in some dystopian movie.



VTG: it sounds like a valuable experience.

me: for writing!

VTG: PAINFUL. but valuable for what you saw.
exactly.

me: but not for living
yes

VTG: for knowing. For differentiating yourself from the dystopian hordes.

me: So I walked into the lobbies of THREE buildings
where there were people

VTG: ow

me: receptionists/guards etc
who had NO idea who was in the other buildings
and I'm standing there falling apart on the inside
asking
"is there a psychiatrist practice in this complex?"
"Oh no, we only have a directory for this building at this desk."

VTG: how frustrating. and humiliating. and someday, terribly terribly funny and ironic and symptomatic of this whole period and place in your life.

me: finally at the third one I realized this woman behind the desk who had NO clue and NO desire really to help me....
had something I didn't have...A FULL TIME JOB.
ha
and she got to sit on her butt and say "I'm sorry I can't help you"
FOR A LIVING.

VTG: ::nods::
sounds like a pretty low low-point

me: Anyway. After the third one I went home. I was screaming and swearing in the car. Confession? Part of me wondered if I had hallucinated the appointment. Not that I've ever hallucinated anything before, ever.

BTW I had stopped at a hotel in the complex to look at the yellow pages.

VTG: so did you eventually find the practice?
or?

me: There is no psychiatrist listed in that complex in the yellow pages
so I went home a googled it
they've got a lovely website

VTG: may I ask a question? why a psychiatrist?

me: twenty doctors
insurance will cover four sessions
then I'm on my own
willing to give it four

VTG: but... why?

me: I am on antidepressants from my ob/gyn

VTG: psychiatrists tend to handle things that require medication, clear body-caused dysfunction

me: …and I don't like this specific drug, how it affects me.

VTG: does that describe you in any way?

me: yeah depression, clinical depression runs in my family.
and yes I have those very very low moments

me: they don't last long
but they are clinical/body/chemical.
I can feel them.

VTG: it's always good to know: "this? it's a low point"

me: yeah that's what 5yo's birth taught me.

VTG: OK; so it's not like a certain someone is telling you that you're crazy or anything like that.

me: the post-partum was a very clear signal
NO

VTG: (which is what I was worried about)

me: not at all

VTG: good.

me: no this is me feeling something is wrong
when I'm sitting in church and want to die?
and then ten minutes later I'm okay?

VTG: yeah, that's a definite clue
and it's physical, indeed.

me: yeah.

VTG: it is what they call "not situational"

me: wanting to die, by the way, is very different from suicidal.
yes.

VTG: yes.

me: anyway my post-partum experience taught me the trigger feelings
and I KNOW to CALL someone when I'm feeling that.
Just about anyone will do.

VTG: That's the right thing to do.

me: Yes.

VTG: Anyone who'll really listen.

me: I think I could call the Avon lady and if she said "I'm sorry you're feeling that way" it would snap me out of it.
just having someone REFLECT what I'm feeling

VTG: When I was slogging through post partum [I had a] source-of-support.
yup.

me: so I'm not alone.

VTG: it helps usher you into reality.

me: exactly.
SO

VTG: out of the scared place.

me: OMG
you've got to hear about the office

VTG: ok!

me: I finally called from home
and negotiated
that I would rush in and do the paperwork and reschedule
because I had a hospital appt at 11
so I couldn't stay
Hospital appt went great
my EKG is stellar!
so I walk in

VTG: yay! so your heart is in the right place!

me: and they've got rows of "Veranda" magazine

VTG: (what is Veranda?)

me: Southern decorate your McMansion ideas.

VTG: ah

me: Not that you would EVER put them together yourself
this is the magazine you SHOW to your decorator
and say, I waaaant that.

VTG: *snicker*

me: yeah Southern Living is more do-it-yourself.
but Veranda?
no way.
and they for some unknown reason
had copies of "Palm Beach" magazine too.

VTG: so the office demographic is "rich white women in despair"?

me: I guess one of the docs
WOW
you're quick and sharp.
And why should they have their number in the yellow pages?
that would invite people who need psychiatric help to call them!
What a bother!

VTG: yeah; that's a referral-sort of business
yup.
for-profit healthcare

me: Better to get the number from your manicurist.

me: and they have a long list of doctors
but the list of insurance they DON'T take is longer.
They like blue cross so much they demanded my policy number when I made the APPOINTMENT.

VTG: that's such a fab detail; I love the way you notice these quirky details and tell them.

me: I'll bet they checked to make sure I hadn't used up my four appointments.
OH the strangest detail of all

VTG: yeah, that would make sense.

me: I was upset needless to say.
filling out the paperwork
a few tears.
the Kleenex in this office is behind the sliding glass window with the receptionist.
in plain sight



VTG: !!!

me: but you have to ask, apparently.

VTG: something of a control mechanism?

me: keep it neat?
I have no idea.

VTG: neat would be control
make 'em ask would be control
it's sort of stingy.

me: Anyway I'm going to post this chat changing the names to protect the helpers over at bluegalsotherblog.

VTG: somehow, it doesn't sound like it's a spare-the-trees, use your hanky touch.

me: no.
I don't think that's it.